The Awakening

I was going through some old purses that I have not used in awhile and came across a little book. I was reading a little book today and it pretty much exposed what I have been living for the past 7 years. You think when you meet a person you see things you like and dislike but for the sake of like you tend to overlook the things you dislike. This is always normal because we as human beings always genuinely look for the good in any situation. No one walks though life always looking for the worse to happen... do they? Anyhow, the exact behavior I have experienced was so clear to me, situation for situation, accusation after accusation. The thoughtfulness was so great that it made me overlook the distress and disrespect I was going through. I continually made excuses of why I felt so much tension... Oh he was just having a bad day, he is sad because he is thinking about his loved ones that passed or he is having a hard time adjusting to his new job...But death after death, and job after job nothing changed. I thought many times it was alright to call it quits but something in me wanted to make it work. The more I tried, the more counseling I got the worse things got, so eventually I gave up. Not saying I gave up on the person but I gave up on making excuses for something I had no control of or over. You can not make a grown man do anything.

Some times the more you change gives them more of an excuse to continue to treat you worse. When I thought is was my hair, I changed colored or cut my hair. When I thought it was my clothes, I went out of my way to get something nice to wear..but then when I dressed in a way that made me feel good about myself I was told where and when I could or could not wear certain things. When that did not work I made sure I was getting my feet and nails done more than usual and when that transpired I found that I was getting pretty for someone else...who? I really do not have a clue, let me know because whenever I leave the house 99.9% of the time I have all of the kids with me. So if I was not home, work or church what else is left. I was not able to work overtime because I always picked up the kids, fed the kids bathed the kids. The funny thing is that on paper the day care only has a total of 5 times that the kids were actually picked up by him. When it was time for us to go out the excuse was always that we did not have a baby sitter. Saturdays we did the movie thing but that was family time and I was cool with that but if one of the kids went to sleep he would get bothered.

I was never obsessed with him but I was in love with the thought of having a cute family. It always felt good that we were always doing things together and the sad part about most of the wonderful times caught on camera were either times that I simply enjoyed the ride and did not have much to talk about or had a headache so bad from being upset just minutes before. I felt as if I wanted things to work because of the outsiders looking in. They always said he was a good father because he did things with his kids, not to discredit anything but if you maximise the time you spend with your kids by buying them things, taking them to the movies and dancing with them of course you will have fun so that is great.

Yes it is wonderful, but I should not have to go through life making excuses on why daddy is not home or that daddy is working when in actuality he is at Red Lobster with his girl/best friend who knows play by play everything that is going on in our relationship. She knows where I work, knows when I am home, knows when I go to school, the bathroom and church. She gets early morning texts on what is going on with my husband how he is feeling about me and how much he is missing her. I have them all... by simply forwarding them to my cell phone from his. so for me to be told that I have a problem and it is me makes me think hmmmmmmmmmmm... if you are done than be done. I have been threatened by her and him. So at that point is when I left with what matters most to me and that is my babies :). They now live in a tension free environment that has love in it. Not saying that they were not loved by their father or mother but it is hard to properly love your children when there is obvious friction between the parents. The kids know they can sense everything and they are very smart. We have told them time and time again and for me that is one time too many, that mommy and daddy love you very much but we don't see eye to eye.

The part about that I dislike the most is I have never been in a relationship that I would position myself to involve me to say that to a child especially my own or much less argue with a child present..until recently. I have been in 3 previous relationships that have involved children and we have gotten along very well and as far as disagreements are concerned, that never happened around the kids and we knew how to talk things out without yelling, cursing or making each other feel less than a person. We only dealt with the issues at hand and did not place blame on each other or call each other names.

All of these are signs. Signs I should have noticed... I will share more later but for now answer the question below I pasted from Essence website.

"Have you ever been obsessed with a man? How did you get over it and move on with your life?"